Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.

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My husband said he was taking a spider out, instead of killing it. That was an hour ago. I bet they’re drunk by now.


– Michelle, we must break up…
– Oh, I’ll kill myself!
– That’s a nice bonus. Thank you!


Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this


*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!


Bring spoiled food to work enough and your coworkers eventually stop eating anything with your name on it.


My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.


GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.


Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”

Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”