@HallpassCanada: Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can't spot the douche at work today, then it's probably you.
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@Laser_Cat: In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it's space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
@HomeWithPeanut: [1st date] Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people. Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
@nealbrennan: Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny...”