Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
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*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.