@FeelingMervis

Happy Valentine’s Day! So what’s everyone doing with their cats tonight??

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@KimJungilSpirit

4yo doctor visit:

Doc: no more than 30 mins for 4yo on the iPad. I’d rather he play with mud.

Me: ..
Wife:..

Me: where do u download mud?

@JustBeingEmma

My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”

@SarahB_D

If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.

@FeelingEuphoric

BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today

ME: oh, wow

BARISTA: yup

[awkward pause]

ME: could…could you get it down?

@HeyoShellz

My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier

@Dawn_M_

Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.

@TheMichaelRock

HR: welcome to sexual harassment training.

Me *raises hand* I’m gonna leave.

HR: it’s mandatory.

Me: There’s nobody here I would harass.

@ohheyitszara

Michael Cera and Jesse Eisenberg bump into each other, say sorry awkwardly, then try to sidestep each other but keep stepping the same way.

@Mothernetic

Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.

@ewfeez

Hey girl, are you an obelisk, because I’m trying to learn what an obelisk is through process of elimination