I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
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It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me