Happy Valentine’s Day! So what’s everyone doing with their cats tonight??

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4yo doctor visit:

Doc: no more than 30 mins for 4yo on the iPad. I’d rather he play with mud.

Me: ..

Me: where do u download mud?


My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”


If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.


BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today

ME: oh, wow


[awkward pause]

ME: could…could you get it down?


My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier


Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.


HR: welcome to sexual harassment training.

Me *raises hand* I’m gonna leave.

HR: it’s mandatory.

Me: There’s nobody here I would harass.


Michael Cera and Jesse Eisenberg bump into each other, say sorry awkwardly, then try to sidestep each other but keep stepping the same way.


Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.


Hey girl, are you an obelisk, because I’m trying to learn what an obelisk is through process of elimination