Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
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If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water