Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
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i feel like autocorrect is that kid in class who very confidently yells out wrong answers
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Dispatch: 5th one today
In Heaven all your lost pets are sitting around waiting to see you again. “I wish he’d die,” says Cupcake. They all nod.