@hannahrosewoods

Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all

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@SJSchauer

Friend: what are you doing for VD?

Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice

Friend: Valentine’s Day…

Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice

@torrami

My parents and teachers told me I could be whatever I wanted to be but I’m 28 years old now and I’m still not a crime-fighting mermaid 🙁

@JeffisTallguy

Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*

Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*

@MikeMcNeil_

Well, well, well. If it isn’t that thing I told my wife I already did.

@pinupteacher

The “Ooooo” the audience makes during a sitcom kiss but for me when I finally take a shower.

@GaryJanetti

A new study shows body-image issues start as young as 3. How awful. That means 2-year-olds with gross bodies think they look okay.

@ValGyorgy

Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over

@heatherlou_

These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.

@LlamaInaTux

TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS

*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick

@duplicitron

Where do I see myself in ten years? I don’t know. Let me think. *pictures self riding jet ski made of bones through space*