Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
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[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
WHO DID THIS?
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.