@hannahrosewoods
@HatfieldAnne Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
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@HatfieldAnne 
@simoncholland To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
@PanicRestroom He died doing what he loved: being alive
@50ShadesGran Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
@thespacewad If your parents say, “You can be whatever you want to be when you grow up”, remind them that they’ll have to die for you to be Batman.
@Jake_Vig What number SPF blocks people?
@brendohare To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
@samalmightysam I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
@FavoritesYou Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.