Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all

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Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”

Him: “What kind of car trouble?”

Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”


i feel like autocorrect is that kid in class who very confidently yells out wrong answers


Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho


A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.

It was a tragic accident.

Gone too soon.


[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.


well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”


Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency

Me: I’m being held prisoner

Dispatch: Do they have weapons?

Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords

Dispatch: Umm ok

Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks

Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children

Me: …….Maybe.

Dispatch: 5th one today


In Heaven all your lost pets are sitting around waiting to see you again. “I wish he’d die,” says Cupcake. They all nod.