HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
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I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
You are what you delete.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
The struggle is real.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.