Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
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Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce