Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.

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I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.


If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified


If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.


Do you know why I pulled you over?
“Yes, because I was driving a motorized toilet.”
I meant this time
“Oh. No.”
Please step out of the oven.


God: *creates oceans*

Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL

God: Get out


If Leonardo da Vinci posted the Mona Lisa on Instagram today, it would get 30 likes, tops.


Windows 10? Cool!

Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95


Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.


[Antarctic Courtroom]

Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”

Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”

Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”

Walrus: “No. I…”

*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice


[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?

Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.