@TheHyyyype

Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.

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@okimstillhungry

I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.

@ilovepie84

If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified

@LostFelicia

If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.

@WigCannon

Do you know why I pulled you over?
“Yes, because I was driving a motorized toilet.”
I meant this time
“Oh. No.”
Please step out of the oven.

@ThugRaccoons

God: *creates oceans*

Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL

God: Get out

@DamienFahey

If Leonardo da Vinci posted the Mona Lisa on Instagram today, it would get 30 likes, tops.

@BruceForce

Windows 10? Cool!

Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95

@MissMalbec

Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.

@WheelTod

[Antarctic Courtroom]

Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”

Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”

Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”

Walrus: “No. I…”

*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice

@TheRolo

[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?

Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.