No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
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If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?