Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
You Might Also Like
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.