Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Hardcore Ramen: drink boiling water, swallow dried noodle block, snort flavor packet.
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New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
*drops the mic*
*scrambles around trying to pick up the mic*
*other guy covering my mic in butter*
Nowhere is it more evident
That the middle finger
IS a suitable mode of communication
Than when driving to work
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best