@tat2dsoccermom

Hardcore Ramen: drink boiling water, swallow dried noodle block, snort flavor packet.

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@Elizasoul80

First date

Him: What do you do?

Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]

“I’m a model.”

@theDanLawler

New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.

I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much

@causticbob

Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.

@eff_yeah_steph

People who think it’s okay to drop by,

It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.

@Roweboat13G

I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.

@sad_tree

There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE

@trojansauce

[rap battle]

*drops the mic*

*scrambles around trying to pick up the mic*

[20min earlier]

*other guy covering my mic in butter*

@SingleGirlAlert

Nowhere is it more evident
That the middle finger
IS a suitable mode of communication
Than when driving to work

@NourHadidi

The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.

And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.

@girlnarly

woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy

also me: lady i’m doing my best