Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
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It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
a god among men
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.