[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
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me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
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Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?