[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
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I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.