[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
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It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean