Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
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My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Harsh but fair
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?