Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
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most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Natty or not?
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Encore…
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.