@chuuew

Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.

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@PrimeVideo

Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.

@HenpeckedHal

My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.

@ThisOneSayz

Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:

Why aren’t you helping me??

*starts to help*

You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!

@Reverend_Scott

Angel: how will humans start out?

God: small and helpless

Angel: how will they end up?

God: big and helpless

Angel: in between?

God: totally clueless

Angel: what is your deal man?

@twelveyearsold

i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative

@Mr_Kapowski

My daughter is the perfect height for using an umbrella to simultaneously keep her dry and for me to lose an eye from one of its corners

@david8hughes

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]

@Kamikaze_Blonde

There’s a whale in France that can say hello out of its blowhole and I still can’t manage chrysanthemum on the first try.

@Kyle_Lippert

Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?

@Sal0630

GF looking at lines in carpet: Aww, you vacuumed for me?

Me: *flashback to me rollerblading in the living room* Sure did, babe.