Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
You Might Also Like
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
My neck, my back, my…
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.