Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
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My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
My daughter is the perfect height for using an umbrella to simultaneously keep her dry and for me to lose an eye from one of its corners
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
There’s a whale in France that can say hello out of its blowhole and I still can’t manage chrysanthemum on the first try.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
GF looking at lines in carpet: Aww, you vacuumed for me?
Me: *flashback to me rollerblading in the living room* Sure did, babe.