harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
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My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?