I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
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If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged
~ This is a running joke
I’m having a very hard time believing that money can’t buy me happiness. Especially since I’m constantly smiling when I have it.
this is your brain
*points to egg*
but this is your brain ON DRUGS
*puts egg on pile of drugs*
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit