@Browtweaten

Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?

Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot

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@TheBoydP

I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.

I can’t wait.

@WilliamAder

If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.

@AngryRaccoon2

My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.

@BruceForce

2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged

~ This is a running joke

@charliedelta7

I’m having a very hard time believing that money can’t buy me happiness. Especially since I’m constantly smiling when I have it.

@BlackCheesePie

this is your brain

*points to egg*

but this is your brain ON DRUGS

*puts egg on pile of drugs*

@_Tempo11

Me: I’m going to poop

Dog: Great I’m coming with you

@KylePlantEmoji

Me: so what does your husband do?

Her: he’s a dermatologist

Me: pore guy :/

@stuckinaportal

*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*

wtf?

“dad i can explain”

u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes

@IvoryGazelle

do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit