Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?

Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot

You Might Also Like


I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.

I can’t wait.


If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.


My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.


2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged

~ This is a running joke


I’m having a very hard time believing that money can’t buy me happiness. Especially since I’m constantly smiling when I have it.


this is your brain

*points to egg*

but this is your brain ON DRUGS

*puts egg on pile of drugs*


Me: I’m going to poop

Dog: Great I’m coming with you


Me: so what does your husband do?

Her: he’s a dermatologist

Me: pore guy :/


*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*


“dad i can explain”

u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes


do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit