Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
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All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
sigh
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
When news reporters do sports stories
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.