HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
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My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
omg leave her alone
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
what
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh