@AsgardianRose

Harry Potter: A Shortened Version

Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.

Everyone else: Lol, no.

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@WeissBrandon

I’m “yells at people who drive too fast in my neighborhood” years old

@bornmiserable

ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you

@djdarrellripley

Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!

Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…

@AllanForsyth

I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.

@cheeky__gal

Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.

@Vodkantots

Imagine falling in love with someone and then discovering that he has faith in humanity.

@truegritrumble

WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.

@roxiqt

The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.