My therapist: do you have somebody you can talk to?
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
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I’m “yells at people who drive too fast in my neighborhood” years old
Amazon Prime is probably the least threatening of all the Transformers.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then discovering that he has faith in humanity.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.