HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
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Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Finally a use for spoilers…