[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
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She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.