[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
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Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.