[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
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Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
*serious situation*
My brain:
ibopfufen
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.