Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
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Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
I found your tweet-up…
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COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.