@theguywitheyes

HARRY POTTER: ๐Ÿ™

DUMBLEDORE: ๐Ÿ™

VOLDEMORT: : (

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@scottthetwat

I received 10 pounds of pot in the mail by mistake. So I did the right thing and called the police to come pick up all 4 pounds.

@meladoodle

A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.

@gaynorlsimpson

Therapist: what’s your problem today?

Me: I have this constant eye roll.

Therapist: stop reading your own tweets.

@GinAndJif

Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.

Me: Same.

@InternetHippo

I woke up in the middle of the night to jot down this million dollar idea

@ClassADude

If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.

@EyalTweet

Wife: Where have you been?

Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.

@jilleb163

My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.

@KalvinMacleod

When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.