I received 10 pounds of pot in the mail by mistake. So I did the right thing and called the police to come pick up all 4 pounds.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
You Might Also Like
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Therapist: what’s your problem today?
Me: I have this constant eye roll.
Therapist: stop reading your own tweets.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
I woke up in the middle of the night to jot down this million dollar idea
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.