HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
You Might Also Like
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
#oldknees
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
HOW DARE YOU
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not