Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
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(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Become a minion. Get that bread.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Happy Caturday!
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Facebook Twitter
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”