@BehindScenesPic

Harry Potter Hair Evolution

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@electrolemon

everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)

@BlindVigil

I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.

@eff_yeah_steph

*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock

@smedlee

The worst thing about when someone tells you to chillax is what to do with their corpse.

@Gooooats

*uses a bomb disposal robot to open a tube of crescent rolls*

@KalvinMacleod

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*

@noduffers

Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?

Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.

@ddsmidt

No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.