everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
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I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
The worst thing about when someone tells you to chillax is what to do with their corpse.
*uses a bomb disposal robot to open a tube of crescent rolls*
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
*Washes off eyeliner*
Ok, weigh me now.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.