harry potter: i’m depressed

dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it

harry: yeah

dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets

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[filing for legal name change]

Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?

Me: I was owned pretty badly on line

Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs


*at movie theater*
M: I’ll take a large popcorn with extra butter.
H: Sure. What movie are you seeing?
M: I’m not.


If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.


HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.

ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.


The only thing we have to fear is fear itselfnnANDnnWhen a women asks if you notice anything different


Me: Cleaning the basement.

12yo boy: Let me know if u need help.

13yo girl: Let me know when you’re done.

Yep…throwing out HER crap.


My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol


I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.


Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.


It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.