[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
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*at movie theater*
M: I’ll take a large popcorn with extra butter.
H: Sure. What movie are you seeing?
M: I’m not.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itselfnnANDnnWhen a women asks if you notice anything different
Me: Cleaning the basement.
12yo boy: Let me know if u need help.
13yo girl: Let me know when you’re done.
Yep…throwing out HER crap.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.