[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
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I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.