Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
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the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
The opposite of goth is stopth.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
did it work
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb