RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
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Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
The 6 types of sex
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
LMAO
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Previously On Persistence 😎
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa