harry: [uses magic off school grounds literally one time]

ministry of magic: send an owl this instant. expel him from school

voldemort: [freely uses killing curse to commit wand murder]

ministry of magic: dang lol wish we could find that guy

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Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.


This running bra is the best thing invented, they didn’t say I’d have to transform into gumby to get the damn thing off though.


After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom

Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt


Robin: I refuse to be your side chick

Batman: …sidekick

R: *hiding overnight bag*
oh, I’ll just go and get the bat-mobile ready then


Pooh: There’s a rumbly in my tumbly
Piglet: What?
Pooh: There’s. A. Rumbly. In. My. Tumbly
Pooh: I’m hungry
Piglet: Say that then


Do not mess with bears. You’ll be their victim. Yogi Bear wears clothes. Where did he get his clothes? That’s right – a victim


in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle


Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.


When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.


A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.