Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
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All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
WTF
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.