@HogwartsLogics

Harry wasn’t chosen for Ravenclaw because he tried to catch the Hogwarts letters from the air instead of taking one from the floor.

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@hazelmotes1

Kids, you’ll never know the pain of digging the innards of a loved cassette out of a cheap stereo and crying as you wind it up with a pencil

@primawesome

Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.

@ThisLocalHater

People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes

@Ennui_Raver

If you’re such a powerful warlock, why do you have diabetes.

@PaperWash

Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.

@TheRolo

Me: I would love to sleep with you

Her: ok I think we’re ready for this

[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]

@fillthevacuum

Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.

@Mechaniz10

Everyone has their favorite bedroom toys that make them feel good.

Mine is my back scratcher.

@andreavbecker

I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”

Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me