Harry wasn’t chosen for Ravenclaw because he tried to catch the Hogwarts letters from the air instead of taking one from the floor.

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Kids, you’ll never know the pain of digging the innards of a loved cassette out of a cheap stereo and crying as you wind it up with a pencil


Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.


People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes


If you’re such a powerful warlock, why do you have diabetes.


Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.


Me: I would love to sleep with you

Her: ok I think we’re ready for this

[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]


Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.


Everyone has their favorite bedroom toys that make them feel good.

Mine is my back scratcher.


I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”

Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me