I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
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People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
A new level of troll.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
$4 #usedbooks
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
*frowns in Scottish*