Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
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Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
12. I think about this all the damn time
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.