Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
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The 4 stages of a family vacation
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!