If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
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A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement