Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
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Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.