Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
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Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Bro what is this
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Thursday Thought.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT