Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
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me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Thinking about that time when I was young and crank called an operator and she called me back because she was an operator.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems