Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
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I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
I am having an out of money experience.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
this is how life feels
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
paddle faster i hear baby shark