What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
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don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.