Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
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Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
“you look nice” – sweet potato
“im so high” – baked potato
“you suck!” – roast potato
“what have I done” – guy who made talking potatoes
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
I should probably never be a mom considering I’d rather drop a baby in a puddle than my iPhone
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|