has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
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ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
This kid is a star!
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Do not steal food from the science building!
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.