Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
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There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*