Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
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[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Yup.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
He took my last fry, your honor
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Not today, today.
Not today.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
this will hang in the louvre one day
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.