[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
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Little Mermaid: I want to be where the people are
Me: trust me u dont
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
why are clothes so expensive???? i should not have to pay this much to not be naked. people should pay ME to not be naked
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Waitress: what will it be?
Me: I’ll have the rum cake but with the rum on the side
W: so u want a glass of rum & a cupcake?
M: yes please
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
I thought we were both kidding when we made plans for me to watch your kid.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Cereal box mascots give kids a dangerously positive view of animals who in the wild would literally kill them before they gave them cereal.