Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?

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Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.

Today, Mike is missing.

Don’t be like Mike.


why are clothes so expensive???? i should not have to pay this much to not be naked. people should pay ME to not be naked


im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:

every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive


Waitress: what will it be?

Me: I’ll have the rum cake but with the rum on the side

W: so u want a glass of rum & a cupcake?

M: yes please


I didn’t have to shower alone today…..

Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?


I thought we were both kidding when we made plans for me to watch your kid.


Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.


Cereal box mascots give kids a dangerously positive view of animals who in the wild would literally kill them before they gave them cereal.