Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
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Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”