Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Sharon, call the vet
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.