Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
You Might Also Like
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
I put the p in pants.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.