Me:I think I just saw the main guy from Transformers you know, ol’ what’s his name
Friend: Shia Lebouff
Me: Yeah, the one whose a truck
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
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When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
mom: ur not a vampire
[me hanging from my bunk bed]
mom: dear god ur 34 now come on I made pizza rolls
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG