@Alohababe2011

Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?

You Might Also Like

@shutupmikeginn

Me:I think I just saw the main guy from Transformers you know, ol’ what’s his name
Friend: Shia Lebouff
Me: Yeah, the one whose a truck

@SteveSuckington

When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”

@dave_cactus

When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.

@jennalinds

My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new

@eyeswidebutt

mom: ur not a vampire

[me hanging from my bunk bed]
*hiisssssssssss*

mom: dear god ur 34 now come on I made pizza rolls

me: vhaaaaaaat?

@Samzen_

Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail

@ArfMeasures

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice