*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
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*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
Shortcut
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Hero horse inspires millions
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Never ghost your hitman.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.