*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
You Might Also Like
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
nothing saves money like being antisocial
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers